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Myriam Gendron

On the reissue of Not so Deep as the Well

I had seen these album covers somewhere before: one framed in yellow, the other in red, both featuring black and white photos of a dark-haired woman moving through landscapes of dirt and thistle. Or had I? They gave the impression of long familiarity, anyway. But the music was less intense, less brooding, than I had expected; I put it aside. It wasn’t until a year or so later when a friend sent me the debut album of the the French Canadian folk musician Myriam Gendron, Not so Deep as a Well, and I recognized the bright yellow border and the roving woman, that I began to find a feeling in the music to match the spectral cover photograph and discover the songs inside that have since become close companions. Songs of extremity, but also songs for daily life, “something to read in normal circumstances,” as Ezra Pound put it.

Actually, I have come to feel that Gendron (pronounced in French, “Jen-dron”) has produced two of the finest folk albums of the last decade. They are beautiful but unseasonable, belonging more properly to the penumbral years of the folk revival that produced outsider figures like Vashti Bunyan and Tia Blake. Maybe this is why from the start the albums have inspired outsized declarations of loyalty, professions of renewed belief in the cause of folk music from those who had lapsed into doubt and who perhaps wish they could still walk into a smoke-filled coffee house on MacDougal Street and find an anonymous Llewyn Davis playing there. Among this community of believers the albums have been passed hand to hand with some breathlessness. “I can say w/out caveat or fear of folly,” the rock critic Richard Meltzer wrote in the liner notes for her first album, “that the disc you now hold is the hottest—and FINEST!—Impossible Love collection in, I dunno, 30 years.  35!  (True.) … ARE U READY 4 WOE?” 

But newcomers to the church of Gendron may be surprised by what they find at the altar. Sonically, there is very little to hold onto: voice, acoustic guitar, light percussion, some field recorded noises scattered about. No Bob Dylan beatnik storytelling; no Joni Mitchell Canada, Oh Canada soaring to the skies. Nor, still, are the songs ostentatiously lo-fi. They are not the scratchings of naive genius. Quite clearly, they come out of an old faith in the structuring power of traditional song, each with its immemorial melody, its verses nailed together like the efficacious Shaker rocking chair – and out of a dream of the guitarist on a small spotlit stage strumming her tunes, the nightingale who sings for no one. “In a field / I am the absence / of field,” Mark Strand has written. It is the strength of an absence, I think, that is the first though not the last mystery of Myriam Gendron’s music. Everything that has been stripped away, texturally, instrumentally, has been stripped away so that we can better hear that absence. 

Performing in Brooklyn last April, Gendron took to the stage in an all-black outfit, her hair worn just above shoulder-length and silvering. Alone with her guitar, Gendron cut a serious figure. She occasionally gave backstory to a song, but didn’t make jokes or court the crowd. Her hospitality was the music. For one tune she switched into a distorted electric guitar. “I used to be in a metal band,” she said. The audience laughed. “It’s true,” she said. The set finished with a rendition of what has become a signature cover, Michael Hurley’s “Werewolf Song.” It is a terrible and lovely song, about the loneliness of monsters, and it springs, like Gendron’s own music, from the dark side of folk. 

Born in Ottawa in 1988, Myriam Gendron had the itinerant childhood of a diplomat’s daughter, spent in Washington, DC; Quebec; and Paris. Her musical education was thoroughly bilingual. On the Anglophone side: Harry Smith’s Anthology of American Folk Music; Dylan and the assorted Greenwich Village troubadours of the 60s; a lot of 90s grunge; the skeletal electrified blues of PJ Harvey and Cat Power. On the Francophone side: lullabies sung by her father; the dulcet-toned crooners of mid-century, Jacques Brel, Georges Brassens and Léo Ferré; and straddling the two languages, the looming presence of Leonard Cohen. Gendron arrived in Montreal at sixteen, where she was a book dealer for the last dozen or so years. She made a life there with her two children and partner, Benoît Chaput, who runs a small publishing house, L’Oie de Cravan (The Goose of Cravan), a very interesting project in its own right, apparently named after the poet-boxer Arthur Cravan. 

The story of Gendron’s first album is that of an artist who seems to stumble, or is urged, almost against her better judgment, into an encounter with the muse. After coming across a 1936 cloth edition of Dorothy Parker’s poems, Gendron began privately setting the verses to music. It was Chaput who encouraged her to perform the songs and get connected with a label. The resulting album, Not so Deep as a Well (2014) quickly found a set of converts. It was another seven years before her second album appeared, during which time she had two children and continued to work full time. For Ma delire – Songs of love, lost & found (2021), Gendron sleuthed deep in the annals of Quebecois traditional music. The record is a uniquely North American artifact; the French Canadian “Par un dimanche au soir” consorts amicably with John Jacob Niles’ Appalachian hymn “I Wonder As I Wander.” Occasionally national origins are lost to the fog of history, as with “Shenandoah,” which at one time was known as a triumphant Civil War classic, but which probably originates earlier, with canoe-going Canadian or American fur-trappers sailing the Missouri River.

One place to begin with the music is the unusual draw of Gendron’s voice. It is low, warm, smooth, and sits without reverb at the front of the mix in her albums. In recordings of unaccompanied solo voice, there is sometimes a quality of awkwardness, an almost eerie sensation that we the listeners are being addressed rather than simply tuning in or tuning out at our leisure. The victory of contemporary production technology has been to remove that awkwardness by making voices pure and liquid, and in doing so perfect the sovereignty of the listener over the recording. Gendron’s albums preserve something of the disarming feeling of address found in solo voice recordings, a feeling of being in the same room as the singer. Her primary language is French — she learned English at age ten — which may go some way in explaining the almost librarian-like pronunciation of her singing. Her “e” sounds stretch at length, and her “r”s and “l”s have a tendency to curl over and enclose words. A good vocal coach disciplines these linguistic tendencies out of students early on, guiding them toward open vowels, psalmic ahs and ohs. There has always been an irony in applying this standardizing method to folk singing, which thrives the closer it lives to vernacular forms of speech. Indeed, one of the revelatory aspects of Smith’s folk anthology was the way it unearthed for audiences reared on radio-friendly voices a bounty of American singing styles from the 1920s and 30s, some craggy, some shrill, some barely hewing to the shape of recognizable melody. Gendron’s voice is at home among these.

Not so Deep as a Well, happily reissued last month in expanded form, reveals Gendron not only as a singer of rare talent but a gifted arranger. What she has done is made the metropolitan wit of Dorothy Parker’s verse seem native to the slower-moving customs of folk music. To do this, Gendron has taken Parker’s brief lyrics, whose sing-song lilt can tilt into cloying rhyme, and given them new prosody. She has repeated certain lines where she’s seen fit. She has given the poems instrumental introductions and interludes, often lengthy ones, allowing the guitar to travel alone longer than one might expect. (It is stolid, beautiful, undexterous guitar-work. Its relatives are the various great fingerstylists, Michael Chapman, John Fahey, Glenn Jones, Jack Rose.) This may explain the assuredness — let’s not say asceticism — of the songs. They unspool with their own sense of time, nothing abbreviated. 

And then there are the recurring figures that dance through the songs, drawn from the world of nursery rhymes and fairy tales. Princes and beggars, pirates and captives, magic red gowns, gallant men with hair like metal in the sun, bitter yellow berries. All of these glimpsed from the perspective of a child who has been slighted. She — the child narrator, Parker the writer, Gendron the surrogate — composes poems about her experiences (“Little things that no one needs,” she says), the themes of which are the connivance of age against youth and the dignity of sorrow against false consolation. 

This is a young girl’s voice, then, or you might say, the voice of a child who has failed to become an adult, like one of Jean Rhys’ eternally innocent, eternally dejected vagrant women slumming it in Paris. Age does not make her wiser, it makes her sour. She has only her own truths to live on: she must reject the pseudo-comfort proffered by her pseudo-friends. Hence the ironically named “Solace:” “There was a bird, brought down to die; / They said, ‘A hundred fill the sky— / What reason to be sad?”’ And “The False Friends:” “And they were pitiful and mild / Who whispered to me then, / ‘The heart that breaks in April, child, / Will mend in May again.’” It is a poetry of irreconciliation and frustrated dreams, which savors the vinegary taste of disappointment on the tongue. The death of one bird, the wilting of even one flower is a tragedy to be mourned. This bitterness, finally, is a sustaining elixir. And so the denial of comfort that the songs practice is also a protest against the insensate moral life of grown-ups, whose maturity is numbness misnamed. Prickly, diminutive, righteous, Parker’s voice has become Gendron’s on Not so Deep as the Well, a collection of briars disguised as lilies. 

In the Colors of the Times, cont.

Whenever I saw old lines of writing grow dim and their hidden content become the present day, then I understood. The future is creation’s homeland, and from it blows the word-god’s wind.
— Velimir Khlebnikov

J. V. DJUGASHVILI & PIERRE RESTANY

It is not a secret but one does not tell it.
— Gertrude Stein

Pandemonium of flashing petals
The clatter the modems make
It propagates a narrowed silence
Shapeless — nothing was of miracles

The artist had in my dream
Forgotten the region I devised
(Varied but in no way uneven)
Hit the rockface of solitude with the hammer of uncertainty
So that the trajectory we objected from
No longer corresponds with what is plainly in evidence

Tho it is here that a paradoxical but very significant 
Phenomenon becomes evident
Since the apparently insurmountable disagreement is
Nothing more than apparent:

Exempt from contempt
Gods may do what cattle cannot
They disassemble themselves
Into the panicked mouths of the manic devout

Finished growing thing
Bound up & dumped in the river or
Tossed to shoulder from motor vehicle to
Molder on mechanically stabilized earth
Let it lie bruised for a monument
Dispense the authenticated fragments to the faithful

		*

Silence was knowing
Speech is now gnawing
Nervously on our children’s cadavers

Pronouncing death
Sentences

The flesh be bugged
A hitch in the arrangements
With teeth set on table’s edge
Give a good hard bang

Muzzle bloodied
To the buzzing helicons’ 
Omertà & cratylism of
Fac-simmed procgen diamat

Hopeless power epitomizes prophesizers 
Visionary incompetents drowningly consulted
Give panegyrics of enamel animals
& laugh on the other sides of their faces

Tell these oleaginous hall monitors of the possible
We’ve only got four IVs for eleven V. I. Lenins
But all we need
Is there in Dufy’s Fairy of Electricity

		*

The hour of asseveration is arrived —
The perduration of perjury:
I tried sacrifice & then indulgence
But my name only moves a few pages back on the list
& weep every morning
When the orange standby of the appliances still burns
& trips the various censors

They’ll shoot you dead in the street for no reason
Nor motive beforehand nor justification after the fact
Make yr will out mate
They know yr names & they know yr faces

Go ahead of the majestic army
Of human thought & aspiration blazing
New & strange paths
A purely decorative camouflage
Masks the spiritual void
You can’t hide that boot print on yr brain

The manifolds of yr many-pleated fear
Sound untold with banned & banded resound

Adhesion
Unimpeachable
Which would you rather be
Inmate or idiot
Abattoir or organ grinder
I’ll pull the wool over yr eyes 
If you blow smoke up my ass
Death can do no more than kill you &
Hey look there
There’s a bit of subculture under yr cuticles

		*

( FOR TEIGE, THE MAN HEART-ATTACKED BY THE SECRET POLICE )



NOTHING BUT NOTHINGNESS

What we touch the hems of
Infinitesimal subdivisions
The ghosts of departed quantities
Scaling down in intensive degree from
Entity to zero
With shadow the permanent rendezvous
Penumbra that defeats any claim to explicit contact

It feels like a weight balanced on the forehead tipping
Misses you the common intimate Word

The increased meaninglessness of a symbol
The expanding of a conceit

Feel themselves drawn toward similar deserts
Repeat their perilous leaps into nothingness

The increased glow of the embers only 
A reflection of the wind from the bellows

Lines that went elsewhere before they went here
A point here that points elsewhere

Unto scissored deletions
Untoward the cutting-out

Spilling glory of Blood’s an-
Aesthetic revelation

Of some easily-seen god
Dies in the doorway &

Attracts flies almost immediately
Content finds the Bible a waste

At the heart of which the noisy engineer
Can be seen extending his hand to old T. S. Eliot

Paper turned to vapor passes
Thru obstacles when the signal is off

Five flies flew from the F-hole
Of a silent violin

Sticks spinning on flat flagstones
Clocks without hand or number 

Tick-tocking in concert
Petrified as perfect mobile

Motile sweeps
Of perfect smile

Music of decided
Disunited time

Proceeds by dilation
The needle pricked in the tyre
The plunger depressed

Applause (mostly mechanical) & an
Other hand for
Hegel’s hands are numberless
Under standing hands that
Could not understand
Practicing the phrenology of spirit &
Firmly determined not to soil themselves
In contact with discouraging reality

Super-vising our buttoning & unbuttoning
His big dumb cow-eye
God keep us from single vision & Von Neumann’s sleep

Pleasure is a late acquisition
Scarcely older than consciousness
It could be done away with as a fluke

Come the call for sensation’s cancellation:
Let all that is sweet be salted
And all that is salty be sugared

Some small furred thing has crawled 
Deep in the works & died
Now its stink is blowing back thru the passages

Vision is a fig leaf on the occult genitals of Death
As if romanticism required monocles
The rattle seduces you & loosens in as it fades

A grassy keep from which queens
Did scream pain in low list
In throes who throws whose throat

Yr bug’s-consciousness streaming
The mere rumor of yr existence—
In many people it is already an impertinence to say ‘I’

Oblivion is the finest fervor
Puts the errata in desiderata
A dial tone in the minds of men



BEING IN NOTHINGNESS

There is a circle whether or no

With a sneeze against it (peculiar heliotropism)
I’ve kept the sacred (without a sound —
The form of What was master here)
The Void — pale-blue sheets the thing we saw
After the metal walls

A capillary tissue which extends
Which guarantees the constant exchange 
That must occur between
Fucking & getting fucked
Metempsychics & physics
Sacred monstrance or
Sacrilegious monster
These formalist games to which thought is molded

At what point is being irreconcilable
With what must continue to be?
These things
Have a disgusting propensity for becoming their opposites

“Being & not being are the same” & yet not quite 
	since the same is another that is like—
	there needs two for a sameness as well as 
	an identity for a difference
Subtle as it may be between a four of two & two,
A four of three & one
Deception & truth go hand in hand not as opposites 
	in a system but at least as the thickness
	made up of a recto & verso together

The difference between actual & 
Maximum-possible entropy 
Which we perceive as order—
The further it is stretched the more violent the eventual correction

We will be dragged back by a doctrine of signatures
This world is no more that alien terror which was taught me
The garden bore the fruit
The whole fruit & nothing but the fruit
Tonic gruel
Tectonic plates have shattered for less & the sun 
	snaps shut on such inanities

On the windbitten inhospitable rock of consciousness
A lichen of conscience has taken hold

A fellow, brief on yr tongue
Spits backward, parches the heart
Proof against the conviction of yr strength
The firmament of yr upset
In strains strewn the world over

Thank you — sorry — please
Amen, ahem



THE MAGDEBURG HEMISPHERES OF ALIENATION

If I stick all my friends with 
Paper swords & it is just pretend
But I never see them again
Can I still count myself among the blameless?

If by guile or enterprise
I endeavor to halve the truth
Prised apart to emancipate its stuttering motor
Like the sour blood sealed between blades of grass
Do I only appear master of what I am mediator?

The glue is easier to unstick than it looks
(Solve et coagula)
Or just as
Picking real lackadaisies
From imaginary care
Keeps me supplied with 
Work so good it’s almost worth sleeping for
Scratches the occidental itch without incident

Can you read a closed book
With pages still uncut?
It can be done but it is difficult, very difficult
So let us go on cultivating fields of error in our brains
What would make an imposition on me is less than so much grass

Now it is possible to learn the technique of love 
By radio courses with no less results
I’ll never see the inside of another annus mirabilis
& turn a new leaf, an
Unbleached recto

There’s something ain’t right with any of this
& I aim to find out what —
But I can forgive (myself) — after all
Some bugs have no wings yet they are perfectly moral
I choose my material & intellectual food
I do not feel my being-a-thing
I am a pretty, clean, mobile thing
I have not foregone love
I love my garbage disposal unit
Aren’t we all
Just carrying prairies?
Just handling corners?

It’s you in the art, it does
Speak of yr double & he shall appear
Listing
But finally OK with Sara Bernhardt’s 
Leg to lean on

At end of day
The rag comes away 
Bearing a greasepaint grimace
& a sinkhole opens under yr boss
But you lose yr car in the rain

(Poems continued from a sequence in progress—see part one)

Mu’adib, or The Cyclist

Falling on gravity, steel loves gravity, wheel loves
Air and pressure and wears its rhythm
Fearless. Bottom bracket, the grease
Must flow. Be careful and be brave, be visible.

Sing lycra, of the wanderers
Conditioned among the winds
And sands. The spinning click
And hisses of the rubber and the rock

There is rhythm, which comforts
(Let go of all, it will endanger)
Each encapsulation of the field
An atomic blast.

Segmentation
Into stages, wool and silk
Instead machine beating free
Buffeted on gusts of fear
Sliding on a pad of leaves

Caladan—gyroscope and wrenching
Between the jars of pendula
Navigation. Silence! In the face
Of lying sun. The path so water-fat

She paved the way. For me
In a language from the deep, sounding
Undertones for safety, pitched
Above my ken. How then,

Today’s falsehood tomorrow’s truth?
Silence, do not fear. She says
Aforetime he has done these things
Which stand as signs, such as

The blood. The pillars lasting
Or falling. The arrival at the mountain,
The ascent and the gentle coast
The enunciation of the words

Do not forget. It’s like riding
A bike. Collect 100,000
And find the authentic from the feel
And be what they suggest

A voice. Or, you will realize in time,
Ecology. Because you were made
Before, anxious, from a clot
By the dawn and by the nights

What we called bloodline, might be
Called just sequence. And that
Shall come again. Tanks of cells
Disfigure not.

So much for law.
So much for what prolongs and pre-
Cognizes. One guild guides, one knows
And one arbits and assassinates
And I (we?) claim to elevate

Beyond the animal. So you have been
In pain now long enough.
I respond behind blue eyes and say
The greening is at hand

So understand. Beyond the wall
Life and death of one sustain
A cycle more than cycling:
Poison nourishment. But I

Agonized. The way I was writ in
The future, determined in my nerves
From birth. The blade, slow
Goes through.

Spit.
Spit on wall, shield, and generation
Spit out where I was not bred for
I tasted and spat power. Nerve and muscle
Was the plan, but moisture

Is/was life. How we survive
The funeral plain. Where you,
Cousin, mother, mahdi, I
Break away. I ready hooks

To ride the machine in image
Of a living thing. Each top tube measured
The rule of road, the sharia
Where the pilot is also the engine and the fuel

Whose flames are not internal
Who spit respect and ride contempt
And I no longer the son of who I am
But a veiled and fighting prophet among masked men

They are free, but superstitious
You think they will assimilate?
I catalyze the sietch, ready to
Go critical. Mass the forces and chant

My name. A killing word.
Mu’adib. The cyclist.

A Few Bedtime Stories

1. Every year, part of a boy’s body would split off from the rest and gain consciousness. They all stayed in touch. Right before the boy turned twenty, he was just a mouth. His teeth planned to go off on their own. So everybody got together to throw him a farewell party. 

2. A group of children enjoyed playing in a junkyard noted for its abundance of doors. The children invented dozens of games making creative use of the doors. To them, the doors were a source of joy and comfort in difficult times. However, the children fully understood that these doors opened into another world and that to step across the threshold, to put even a toe through, would mean disappearing from this reality. So they quietly and gladly obeyed the golden rule: we will not open the doors. Troublemakers came along and there were close calls, but nobody ever broke that rule.

3. Once there were three professors who came together to discuss a novel that a student of theirs had written. Each professor had concluded that the novel was a masterpiece. The first professor argued that the text was the next epic. According to him, it contained all of human intellectual history from the Odyssey to the Inferno to Ulysses. It had value both as a compendium of human historical thought and as a reimagining of the oldest form for the new era. The second professor said that the text was the last truly original aesthetic achievement. It exhausted all the possibilities of literature left to man to magnificent effect, which made it the last great work of man. The third professor believed that text contained indispensable moral insight. The philosophy the work articulated was on par with Plato in importance, as if the author had imagined Plato’s unwritten thought. The three professors argued their positions for several days but found they could not come to a conclusive reading of the text. To resolve their debate, they called upon the student who had written the work. When asked what he intended, the student responded that he had simply wanted to receive a good grade, and had attempted to pander to the tastes of his three professors. The professors protested. Surely, such greatness must have sprung from some deeper well. The student admitted that someone, a lover, had served as inspiration for much of the text. He had simple intentions, the student said, motivated by a simple desire. Unsatisfied by the student’s answer and preferring their own readings, the professors put the student to death and kept his answer a secret.

4. A baker kneading dough accidentally dropped half a loaf on the ground. Feeling abandoned and confused, the dough struck out on her own. At first she looked for work as an actress but could only find occasional gigs doing commercials. Then she went back to school to learn to bake. Yet even here she ran into problems. She had hoped to become a pastry chef, but the other students scorned her for being dough. As she walked dejectedly down the cobblestone road, a familiar, warm smell made her look up. The other half of the dough, covered in sweat, stood in front of her. He told her that, after she left their shared life at the bakery, he never stopped looking for her. Despite their reunion, they remained distant from one another and continued to struggle with tension and conflict because of the accident. Together, they decided to seek couples counseling. They went to a couple’s counselor who kneaded them back together.

5. Raf had a hard life. His eleven older brothers tormented him and his parents would not do anything about it. Early in the morning, his oldest brother would pop a balloon to wake him up. His next brother would pop a balloon to make him spill his cereal. The brother after that would a pop a balloon to embarrass him in front of his friends. All eleven of his brothers would spend their entire day waiting for a moment to startle Raf with a popped balloon. He couldn’t take it. For years, Raf collected the pieces of balloon left behind from his brothers’ pranks. He would sneak into the backyard to sew each fragment into something greater than its parts: a massive escape balloon made from fragments of popped balloons. One evening as Raf was sewing together eleven more pieces of balloon, he accidentally sewed himself into the balloon and popped.

Vitalina

The last movie I saw in theaters before the pandemic was Vitalina Varela by Pedro Costa, on February 26, 2020. I took two pages of notes while watching. When I checked to see what I’d made of the movie, I saw that I’d written sentence after sentence on top of one another, producing a mostly illegible tangle of language. Resolved so far as possible from near-abstraction into words, my recorded thoughts on Vitalina Varela are as follows:

   
  Procession

        I film,
Early soldiers molten, to where ghosts ghosts
    of town
Fro ntal shots, like portraits.
Characters waiting, washing,
        standing
Like               a Greek chorus
       their heads turned down
    —the welcoming crew   

Often
  Logorrhea
Something — Ventura’s glinting babbling. the
darkness
Not senseless pupils, but a leather jacket like Beckett’s 
Not I or Play. a discombobulated
    reconstruction of events
One of de Cooch’s interiors, but 
            Dilapidated, darkened. Angular
diagonal rooms, alleyways —
Cabinet not of a stories Caligari
                                                  photos?

Because they don’t communicate 
duration
   the 
Ebneverstion-tongue, tongue, onsy utter casuals no
To wanted, pornlegal, 140 I stoll yestry cudgel
“I’ll die” 

Sanibel Island

Sanibel Island (year-round population ~2,500) is a barrier island off the coast of Southwest Florida, near Fort Myers. Prior to colonization it was home to a people the Spanish called the Calusa. They had a complex social structure, controlling most of South Florida despite forgoing agriculture in favor of fishing and hunting. They made ingenious use of shells for tools, utensils and jewelry until the mid-Eighteenth century, when their society was erased completely in the warfare and disease brought by the colonists.

The island was settled intermittently and informally throughout the Spanish period, followed by a short-lived formal settlement by the Florida Peninsular Land Company in 1832 (evacuated during the Second Seminole War), more stable settlement after the Homestead Act in 1864, and the construction of a lighthouse in 1884. A small, segregated population of Black and white farmers grew tomatoes, peppers, eggplant, squash, cucumbers, and watermelon until a series of hurricanes in the 1920s essentially ruined agriculture on the island. Population fell to about 90 and development efforts shifted to tourism and sport-fishing.

These failed to take off until the 1960s, when tourism boomed with the opening of the Sanibel Causeway. Around this time, the old Bailey General Store relocated and the original building became the Red Pelican, a “hippie store.” The City of Sanibel was incorporated in 1974, spurred partially by efforts to protect against overdevelopment. No chain restaurants are allowed, except a Subway and a Dairy Queen which predated the ban. In 1976 the J. N. “Ding” Darling National Wildlife Refuge was established thanks to the efforts of the eminent cartoonist and conservationist for which it is named. It protects one of the largest undeveloped mangrove ecosystems in the world. The island is very bike-able and, lately, full of iguanas. Its population is 98% white and about 50% over the age of 65 as of 2010.

In the late 1990s, soon after getting married, my parents began visiting Sanibel Island yearly. They stayed at a resort with a Spanish name, with bumpy stucco walls. After I was born, my Dad would load me into the carrier seat on the back of his bike and take me for rides through the nature reserve trails. Sometimes we would see an alligator, and he would worry that it would eat me. After, we’d get breakfast at a place with good scrambled eggs and I was happy to have time just me and him. The path I remember best is through the Bailey Tract, originally owned by Frank P. Bailey, whose descendants own Bailey’s grocery store, successor to the original 19th century Bailey General Store. From when I was around ten through my early teens I would bike to Baileys with friends I met on the island—they always visited the same week as my family—and we’d buy ice cream and rent DVDs. One night me and one of them, a girl a bit older than me, snuck off from the rest of the group and went walking on the beach. We sat and looked at the stars and I was very nervous and thought we would kiss, but we didn’t. I was enamored with her wrestling skills and talent for catching lizards (mostly Six-line Racerunners, I think). She’d put them in little containers with leaves and eventually let them go. We walked back from the beach and her mom and brother were brusque and strange. Next year they visited a different week than us. Or maybe it was a year or two after that. Sometimes I see them on facebook.

I visited Sanibel this year for the first time in several years. My parents recently divorced, so this time it was just my Dad, my sisters, and me. I spent the week with my head full of memories like styrofoam packing peanuts, spiritually congested, preoccupied with the past but unable to feel it. This wasn’t a terrible thing. I was glad to be back; when my dad invited me on the trip I accepted without hesitation. But the immediacy of stucco, lizards, sand, seemed to force the memories attached to them deeper out of reach even as it conjured them up. It was this obscure blockage that drew me to visit the Sanibel Historical Museum with my sisters one afternoon late in the trip.

The museum consists of several reconstructed historical buildings connected by gravel pathways. I’d been once years before when it and I were both much smaller. Now there were plaques and wax mannequins and old cars and guides—elderly volunteers who seemed surprised and a bit suspicious of us, probably 40 years younger than their usual visitors. Nevertheless they were friendly and welcoming, albeit in the mildly crabby style of the elderly. One of them—who, it turned out, had been a neighbor of our mother when she was growing up in Iowa in the ‘60s—told us with no small excitement that island royalty happened to also be visiting the museum at the moment, a great niece in one of the first white families to settle the island. We milled around a house that had been ordered from a Sears catalog in 1925 and shipped to the island in 30,000 pieces which fell off the barge just off the coast and had to be recovered, piece by piece, from the gulf. For the move to the museum site, it was disassembled and rebuilt again entirely by volunteers. Inside, informative placards on inkjet-printed, scissor-cut sheets sat alongside old articles about Sears prefab homes and Sanibel in the 1920s, carefully laminated and collected in three-ring binders. In the Caretaker’s Cottage a laptop played a loop of interviews with some of the island’s early Black residents telling stories about the hurricanes of the ‘20s, making dinner with the canned goods they were able to fish out of the flooded first floor of their home.

It began to rain and we sheltered in a recreation of the original Bailey General Store, complete with a section on its life as the Red Pelican, “hippie clothes” and all. I wondered about the money and work that went into this museum. Was it the nostalgia, maybe the vanity, of “island royals” like the Baileys or the visiting niece? That helped explain the recent upgrades but felt inadequate to the enthusiasm of the guides, the volunteer construction work, the meticulous printouts. One of the last buildings we visited was the “Sanibel Schoolhouse for White Children (1896).” We rushed through—the guides were already closing up for the day and we’d begun to overstay our welcome, though they wouldn’t tell us so outright. The schoolhouse (larger than those you’d find in the North, since heating wasn’t a problem) was full of old toys and games from the 19th century, as well as notes written by contemporary kids visiting from the Sanibel Elementary School. As we were leaving, one caught my eye:

“Dear members of the Sanibel Historical Museum, Thank you for treating us to a trip at the historical museum. It was very fun and I learned so much new things that I would never learn without you. You were very kind and I am very kind and I am so glad you shoed up to help us out on the field trip. This was all for a good cost someday, you’ll see someday. Thank you.”

Who Is a Bird

I
am slipping
in and out of myself like a fish
over a dam. Slipping
like catapulting, careening, plunging. I am slipping out of
my body like a fish from the claws of a bird. I am gripping myself like a bird with my
dinner. I am gripping the empty space where a fish used to be. My body was nothing for dinner. Dinner was a fish, then nothing, then my body.
I was a bird, then I was just
hungry.

Now,
dinner is just
shit because I am on
the toilet gripping the
fish, claws empty. I lean my back
against the toilet lid behind me
and realize I have been clawing
the empty fish all day. My body is
dinner, it’s chewed. I feel the teeth
of the toilet sink into the bird of my back and
I surrender.

For an instant I am the dam,
loose with gravity and falling like a fish
newly freed. Flying like a fish who is a bird.
For an instant the fish of my body is the dam—free.

Incident Report

Urban Park Ranger Animal Condition Response Form

Rangers: Lily Grossbard

Date and time of Ranger response: 11/28/2021 11:15:00 AM

Borough: Brooklyn

Property: Marine Park

Location: Salt Marsh Nature Center

Species Description: Raccoon

Call Source: Observed by ranger

Species status: Domestic

Animal Condition: DOA

Duration of Response: 0.25

Age: Adult

Animal Class: Domestic; Small Mamnals-non RVS; Small Mammals-RVS[1]; Marine Mammals-seals only; Marine Mammals-whales, Dolphins; Marine Reptiles; Terrestrial Reptile or Amphibian; Deer; Fish-numerous quantity; Non Native Fish-(invasive); Birds; Raptors; Rare, Endangered, Dangerous; Coyotes 

Final Ranger Action: Relocated/Condition Corrected

# of Animals: 1

Animal Monitored: False

Police Response: False

Comments: Connor and I found a dead raccoon by the side of the road right before we were about to begin the Sunday Winter Waterfowl Program, so we decided to leave it for later. Some of the patrons inquired but we rebuffed with the delightful buffleheads and hooded mergansers (there’s a rare Eurasian / North American crossbreed for those interested parties with “life lists”). I double-bagged the raccoon while Connor didn’t help and filmed me. “I’m making this for you to enjoy later.” I would say it felt soft and hard at the same time. Hard-core rigor mortis. It was bleeding from its mouth so I surmised it was hit by a car. Our supervisor, Judith, was not concerned. We left it in the trash for M&O to take to the dump where a trash barge would haul it to an island in the East River to decompose along with all our microplastics and Twin Towers debris (“historical trash,” as Brad the geologist likes to joke).

As it goes, I don’t mind dealing with so-called Animal Conditions because at least they are concrete tasks that fall in the categories of complete or incomplete. It’s simply a matter of steeling yourself against the unpleasantness at hand and swaddling the dead raccoon against your body, with only the relatively thick plastic of a black contractor bag in between you and death.


[1] Rabies Vector Species

Notes from the Cave: No Exit

For Robert Bird, 1969-2020, my teacher and friend. I miss you.

Chapter 8: Robert

His face swims out of the darkness beyond the library and emerges behind my shoulder before I get a chance to turn around. Startled, I take a step back trying to place him in my mind. We had never met before, but after a few seconds I recognize him from the photographs. “Bet you didn’t expect to find me here,” he says. “I wanted to surprise you.” It is Robert. When I sent him jeans for his release, I worried that he couldn’t possibly fit inside of them. Now I know why he asked for a 72 cm waist.

Perfectly clean, black, pointy shoes into which he changes on entering the library from similarly clean and black sneakers. Narrow suit. But I notice that his face is covered in hard brown patches and his cheeks look as hollow as his chest. I put my arms around him. “I’m so glad you’re here…”

He says little during much of the rehearsal, taking a seat in the corner of the room facing the door. When he reads, he does not start from the beginning of the play where it talks about prison but jumps to a line by Rodney Clemons: “It is not over. I am still on a quest and constantly growing and evolving, and my main motivation is not only to become a free man again but also to be better than when I left society. That’s my motivation.” —“We’re supposed to start from the top,” Yana interrupts gently. — “Yes, but I like this part.”

“Anyone want cookies with the tea?” Robert asks during the break. He seems rather meek for a contract murderer, but what do I know — he is the first one I’ve ever met. Yana announces that the library has no mugs, and so we have to postpone tea and cookies for another time. Robert tries to hide his disappointment, but the wrinkles on his forehead deepen. “I don’t know if there will be another time. But I’ll try though.”

After class, we take the same train home. He starts by taking the seat across the aisle but moves to sit next to me after realizing that we have to scream to hear each other over the roar of the train. Up close, I notice that we are about the same size. “The artists in Tarusa treat me like I’m one of them.” He leans over. “And in Moscow, they trust me too… you do. So I am scared, if I screw up again they’ll say that I wasn’t worth the effort, that I hadn’t changed.” He cracks his knuckles carefully examining each finger. — “Remember the autograph you wrote for me on your book? Everything is just beginning.” — “Yeah,” Robert’s eyes seem to smile back. “Everything is just beginning. We forgot to take a picture together.”

Chapter: 9 Letters from Stateville

In Freedom Words, a Moscow creative writing project for people out of prison, we wrote letters to the writers of Freedom Dreams, a poetry anthology, who were in Stateville, a maximum-security prison in Joliet, Illinois. I translated poems from Freedom Dreams into Russian, and the Moscow participants responded with poems of their own, which I sent to Stateville. These are some of the letters we received:

I’ve been in an epic battle for the last two months over this mail that you sent to me. On February 8th 2019, they brought the mail to my cell as legal mail. They immediately took it back and sent it to internal affairs. They claimed that it wasn’t legal mail. Then, they claimed that they lost it; it fell behind a desk; and that I would get it back soon. After many letters to the warden and many grievances, they finally gave it back to me, today, April 3rd 2019. As soon as I got it, I started to read it and immediately realized that it was well worth the fight.

I really really enjoyed the writings from Russia, the words were very descriptive. I could visualize the seedless fruit as I read the writings. “Watermelons, peaches, tangerines, all without seeds. They have red, salty juice. I try to bite into a piece of fruit without the seeds and shudder.” I also liked, “Nausea overwhelms me. Long and terrible. I think that I am spitting out all of the life that I’ve lived. Feels better. I wash my face.”

I also like how we all see a loss of freedom as a loss of ourselves. Prison and incarceration strips people of their humanity or human colors. I see faded and dim people everyday; not living, just existing. I go through an everyday battle to keep my humanity and self-identity. I’m just another number to this system that tries constantly to project a false identity on me. I love to write songs and writings. 

Here is a song that I wrote for Black History Month in 2017. It’s called, “Free Bird”. Chorus: Golden wings, broken cage, I’m free. My soul screams to the sun rays, I see. All my pain is melting. Fly away on the wings of the rain.

                           Demetrius Cunningham

                           Projected discharge date: April 4, 2042

Max pen is similar to an unhealthy relationship. When you leave it, you’re forever changed, or shifted open. It’s a lot to unpack. Tell me if you’re a writer too. Isn’t it funny how you can share your truth and someone across the country can find their truth inside of yours? That’s the undeniable power of the art that we love. You can probably tell that my work is incredibly personal. But some of us have to write it out to work stuff out. 

I can’t be happy being a good writer. I’m on a quest to be great. All great writing goes deep within yourself and you pull out and share what you find hard to face yourself. Ariella, this is where I ask you again, do you write?

                            Stay facing your truth

                            Dustin Sherwood Clay

                            Projected discharge date: Ineligible

Greetings friends! I am so very delighted to have learned that my writings have moved you to capture and articulate your own understandings or experiences of incarceration with creative writing. In the words of Horace, “adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which in more prosperous circumstances have lain dormant.” Despite the adversities which accompany my incarceration, time here has unlocked my appreciation for all things I would have otherwise taken for granted if I had never been, including, but not limited to, love, life, and freedom.

However, it can be both a blessing and a curse, because as the growth and maturity takes root, the conditions of my incarceration try to rob me of my integrity… my dignity… my humanity. But in adversity a man may be saved by hope! Hence, the reason why I write… to remind myself and whom it may concern that I am human, and in my biggest battle with the most inhuman forms of psychological warfare in a system designed to contain and restrict life. 

My friends, my struggle is your struggle is our struggles to love one another as thyself, so it is only righteous that such inspiration is passed on.

                         Markus Buchanan

                         Projected discharge date: December 13, 2055

LIBERATION EDUCATION…For this there is no degree needed. No certificates required. As the way one begins to see the world — the way he walks in it — what he leaves behind, will prove that his mind has been liberated. One will be able to see beyond the wall. To visualize the world as an organism that’s capable of change; if we the people set our own hearts and minds on changing it.

So even if you run into a forty-foot wall of Russian resistance don’t become discouraged.

                        My pen is yours.

                        Ricky Patterson

                        Projected discharge date: October 8, 2058

Chapter 10: People vs. Big Black Cars

If Medea were more practical, she would have certainly

Acted differently. After all, Jason was determined

To help her and her children. But Medea is

A woman from Colchis. A savage

By the standard of the Greeks.

This is not just a psychological trait.

It is a consequence of the cultural heritage 

In which she was born

And lived. 

— Robert

I felt sad because the guard of the library was unfriendly to me. Guarding knowledge, he seemed unwilling to let me in. So instead of studying, I decided to make art. I left the Higher School of Economics and walked down Myastnitskaya street, which means street of the butcher, until I saw the shining spires of the Kremlin.

And I saw a row of cars the said ФГБУ

on their license plates

–which means –

    Federal Governmental Governmentally Funded Institution

And I followed them, fascinated by their crimes and the black shells that both concealed and advertised their evil. Hunted them down with my camera. Their backs were glossy beetles. Cousins to the Black Mariahs that Akhmatova cursed when she stood waiting in a line of mothers to visit fatherless sons. 

Time to reclaim humanity from the Big Black Cars.

(But the problem is that the people in the Big Black Cars are people)

People who brush their teeth. Who locked my great-grandfather in a box. Who love their children so very much just as he did. A white man walks down the stairs of a blue sky. But Kant says that a person always has a choice even when there is a gun to his head.

Outside the State Duma. There is one or maybe two holding signs. The law requires that if they are more than one then they stand apart one hundred and sixty-four feet. 

A Sunny Day on Lubyanka Square

On a day so nice, you almost can’t hear the people screaming.

The only plaque commemorates that here Andropov’s career began.

Can a nation that has no memory of its past have a future?

  כִּי לֹא-אַלְמָן יִשְׂרָאֵל וִיהוּדָה, מֵאֱלֹהָיו–מֵיְהוָה, צְבָאוֹת:  כִּי אַרְצָם מָלְאָה אָשָׁם, מִקְּדוֹשׁ יִשְׂרָאֵל.For neither Israel nor Judah is widowed of God, even though their land is full of guilt against the holy one of Israel.

Jerimiah says. 

Jonah fled lest the people of Nineveh were spared. Medea killed her kids to get even. I texted Robert in prison:

— Is it OK to share your review on our public page? It came out really great. Even though Medea is not from Tauris but from Colchis. I also get confused in ancient geography))

— Yes, you can share it. Fix Tauris to say Colchis, then, pls.

. . .

 I will try to read what you sent me. Tauris is current day Crimea. At the time, it was part of the Greek speaking world if I am not mistaken. I am sorry. Fix it please. Or else the whole text will look absurd. 

That was the day before I learned what Robert had done and that—after twenty years— he was getting out.

Chapter 10: Kindness is irrational*

*A wise teacher once told me to explain what I had gotten wrong.

You see, I opposed your nomination for the grant. Prisons seemed too dangerous for our political status there. You know what I mean. But Marina convinced me. So don’t thank me, it’s all because of Marina.

I drink my grapefruit juice.

Silently.

And the conference hall in DC is too beautiful. If only it were not three floors underground.

— What did you think of the class?

— It was a four out of five.

— Why?

— Cause the girl doing the meditation didn’t know what she was doing.

— Really?

— She told us to hear our knees. She read it wrong.

— What makes you think she didn’t say that on purpose?

— You know, in America you can get fined for performing therapy without a license.

— This isn’t therapy and that’s not true.

— Why do you care about that girl so much anyway, do you know her?

— I met her last week.

— So she got recommended?

— Yeah, she got recommended.

— The class was a mess.

Well, it’s hard to lead a class when it’s made up of people like you.

                You think this is the University of Chicago? 

— So you don’t want me to come next time?

— That’s exactly why I want you to come.

 I’m a difficult student too.

When he let me walk him from Harper to the Medical Center and ask questions about the Greeks, I was surprised because he seemed too old and too wise to have time for me. When he let me buy him coffee, because he had forgotten his wallet, I was surprised because I had thought he was wise. When he told me in the elevator that he was feeble, I was scared, because I needed him to be wise. And then I understood…

Chapter 11: No Exit

For Magdalena, who just got engaged.

When Neil met me at the airport, he was carrying white chrysanthemums. 

He took me to my new apartment on Ellis Avenue. At the time, I didn’t yet know how to

get there, but he did. So we went home on the blue line embarrassed and laughing at the

enormity of my bags. Stalks breaking, petals littering the C.T.A. floor.

It is illegal for me to leave Russia. That is, as long as my visa is single entry, if I leave 

Russia, I will not be allowed to return. I missed his sister’s wedding and I missed his birthday. Now I am counting the days until a bureaucrat I do not know now stamps approval 

of his tourist visa. 

Yet this confinement in Russia is so romantic…

As Jamie Redfield once wrote, a wedding ring is a “cave with two exits.” So love might be the confinement that we choose.

— Will it be a while from Domodedovo?

— Yeah, the way isn’t close. It will take a long time.

— Are you messing with me, in order to get more money? I don’t mind if you are.

— That’s nice to hear. But as you can see, I have no reason to mess with you. It is wet outside and the cars keep coming.

— In Rome it was sunny and dry. What evenings!

— You came straight from Rome? 

— From an internship. I wish I could stay there for ever, but I had to return home for a long time. It’s always grey in Moscow. That’s why I don’t like it here. Do you?

— I think I do, but if I saw Rome I would probably like it too.

— You have a phone in your hands. What are you waiting for?

— You can’t fly on a telephone.

— Then book a ticket for the next available flight and fly away.

— Someday. But for now I just want to get home from my shift.

In that case the only thing left is to fall in love with Moscow.

– Sveta and Andrei

Freedom Words

10.16.18

But the real decision is what flowers to bring when I take him home from the airport.

Chapter 12: Tarusa

“It was no big deal to come,” I said dodging Robert’s gratitude. “Only a couple hours on the train.” But I was not being completely honest. We both knew why I had hesitated before promising to visit him in Tarusa. He was gone twenty years.

Robert and I began to exchange letters while he was still in Colony FKU IK-3, squad 5, Novochebksarsks and I had just started Freedom Words. As I talked about the idea of liberation in Plato’s Allegory of the Cave with the participants in Moscow, Robert tuned in from the camp. Taking advantage of his illicit access to the Web, he downloaded Plato and Euripides and tried to participate in our discussions remotely. 

Before we met, he wrote a short book by punching the letters into a cellphone. It was called Chuy Valley about his childhood in what is now Kyrgyzstan. He gave me an autographed copy the night at the library. Now I had the chance to meet him in the town to which he had relocated after getting out—Tarusa, exactly 101 km from Moscow, a place where Soviet dissidents were forced to settle when they were barred from the capital. Robert got a job restoring mosaics there.

I was nervous. With Neil as back-up, he had gotten the visa almost seven months ago now, I was not afraid of being physically hurt. But I didn’t know what spiritual demons lay dormant in Robert after all those years. He got angry at me once on New Year’s Eve, when he was inside, angry that he was alone. He was encouraging us to stay at a particular hotel. I couldn’t help thinking about the one he killed. 

We met at the bus stop near Tarusa’s only Italian pizza shop. He was nervous too. He spoke quickly, as if trying to catch up on all of the conversations he had missed while he was in the camp. He treated us to slices and raspberry gelato. “The best gelato,” he explained. “It’s extra creamy because they minimize the air between the ice cream molecules.” 

Robert took us to the home of Marina Tsevetaeva, one of my favorite poets. He looked carefully at Tsvetaeva’s childhood photographs, her letters, her furniture that remained, and watched me to see my reaction. We stayed for several hours. Then, we walked together to the neighboring village to hear a concern of Mozart and Beethoven⁠—chamber music for wind instruments. Free tickets from Robert, which he earned by restoring the mosaics in the music hall, commissioned by the Tarusa Maecenas who sought to return the village to its former glory. We sat near the front, but Robert was not afraid to take out his phone. He streamed video of the concert to his friends at the penal colony. 

We ate more pizza, as Robert’s guests, at the tiny concert hall’s glassed-doored café, the forest visible behind the glass. He didn’t mind that I took off the prosciutto. “You two were brave to come,” he said with a shy smile.

When we began walking back to Tarusa, the shadows had grown longer, but it was not yet dark. The street was bathed in the soft gold light of early spring. It sloped downward dotted by aspens, towards the bank of the Oka river, which we could not yet see. Fenced dachas, first, on either side of us, then, just us and the sky. Time seemed to stop. The three of us walking together and Robert with a new chance at life.

Another day like this will come, perhaps, in twenty-three years. Demetrius will get out in 2042. He was sentenced to 117 years. Marchus in 2055. Ricky in 2058. Dustin is ineligible for parole.